I’m a bad blogger. But with finals and Black Banding, work, and a husband and kittens to tend to- there were just not enough hours in the day!
So…updates. I crammed for my final. I got a 75 on it which made me nervous. The course requires an 80 as a passing grade and I got a 79.94 which rounds to an 80. I was a nervous wreck all last weekend because I had calculated it correctly but wouldn’t get the official word until Monday.
Luckily, I passed.
If I hadn’t, I would have had to go back to first semester b/c of the changing curriculum and that would have been $12,000 wasted down the drain.

Yesterday was my Black Banding ceremony. All the passing second semester students get pinned by a RN of their choosing which signifies that moving up into the position of upper class nursing student. Woo-hoo! My momma pinned me which made me want to cry. It was great! My wonderful husband was their filming and my awesome mother-in-law came as well. Afterwards, we all went out to eat at Ihop which was yummy.

Then Ishaq and I went to an art museum and then went home and slept.

Oh crap! I forgot to pick up my retainers yesterday and I need to call about that. I lost them when I moved cross country and by the time I found them- my teeth had already shifted. I’ve been without them for about 4 years now, so I decided I should get another set before my teeth move anymore. That would suck.

Ishaq and I have been eating healthier lately..ever since the nutrition project a couple of weeks ago. I feel great. And have actually been craving healthy foods like apples and carrots instead of cookies and chips all the time. Which is a nice change.

My house is a hot mess. Mreh.

I will [attempt] to update this more often.

Love,
Laney

photo from here

But then.
I keep getting bugged at work because I never bake/cook anything to bring it in. Usually because I never know about since I’m an HUC and we don’t necessarily get all the memos for potlucks like the nurses do.
So, last night [after work, mind you] I stayed up and made a batch of cupcakes. Ishaq’s favorite. I took the extra to work. Close to twenty to be exact.
One of the nurses, ate one and didn’t like it. Which is fine, not everyone likes everything. No big deal. But she made such a big deal about it that no one else wanted to try any.
She didn’t know I was the one who had made them. And I don’t think she knows I heard.
And I shouldn’t care.

But, some part of me was devastated.

Later tonight, at the in-laws house, Ishaq was trying to make me feel better. He asked his mum about the cupcakes from the wedding. He asked if she had liked them and she made an embarrassed face and turned beet red.
Which makes me mad. Not because she didn’t like them. But because, why didn’t anyone tell me they were bad?!??!
I served these at my wedding, for Christsake. I took these into work.
I wouldn’t have been offended if they were bad. I even did a test run and everyone said they were great.

It’s so embarrassing. Humiliating. Devastatingly so.

I told Ishaq I may never bake again. That’s how poorly I feel.
And if I do, it won’t be from scratch.
I feel that all the joy and love that I used to feel from baking has been sucked out of me.

At least for now.

And to the nurse, the one so kind enough to be a complete and utter bitch as to not care who the baker was, and to be completely insensitive [even if it weren't me- she had no clue who it was. it could have been anyone standing around], I say: Screw You. Oh, and the big red splotch on your mouth you were worried about all day really does look like Herpes no matter what you say.

[excuse the cattiness. it's late, i'm bitter, i'm sleep deprived]

On another note: 3 weeks of break is over, and school starts tomorrow. I plan to write more regularly again.

This semester has FLOWN by. And not because time flies when you’re having fun. It’s just been so busy. And nursing school is not necessarily what I would call fun.
After I get back from break (Oct. 19th), there will only be a month and a half left. How awesome is that?
And then I’ll be a senior.
Can’t wait.
I’ve just got to do well on my tests. I’m riding the edge right now in the testing category. It’s so weird. When we pow-wow in clinical and they ask me the questions from the testing book, I get them right. It’s just the structure of sitting down at a timed test that everyone gets ridiculously anxious over where I test poorly. Out of the four answers I eliminate two and always choose badly on the last 50-50 chance. Arhghsdopjfdsf.
I will not fail this semester. I cannot afford to repeat because I am not rich by any means.
I have to keep reminding myself that- it helps me keep my focus.

Oh and my midterm clinical evaluations were stellar. “Your potential is limitless” said my Oncology instructor who happens to be a NP (nurse practitioner). I was also told that if I keep up this pace, I could probably have two patients by the end of the semester. Which would be super.

I had to schedule myself at work all the way out to Feb. 6, 2010. What shit is that?? [pardon my french.]
But that’s all the way deep into next semester. How do I know what days I’m open.
If I went to a normal 4 year university I wouldn’t even know my school schedule.
What ridiculous-ness.

Interesting Things (to me) At the Moment:
[which may be uninteresting to you, so I won't be offended if you stop reading. I bolded the main points though]
There’s this TV series you should watch. You have to start from the beginning. But Ishaq and I were totally hooked. It’s called Jericho. It’s only about 35 episodes long so it’s like a really looong movie, but it’s amazing. It’s about nuclear bombs going off in the United States and what happens in the aftermath.
Another one, if you like British humor, is The IT Crowd. It’s the computer department made up of two nerdy guys and their female boss who knows nothing about computers. It’s absolutely hilarious. If you like British humor.
The new Paramore CD rocks my socks. I love them.
I’ve also been listening to A LOT of Smashing Pumpkins lately. I got re-addicted to them when I was making a mix CD(or playlist rather) for Ishaq. It had all this alternative rock music which is his favorite.
Two TV shows that are new this season: FlashForward and Glee. Check them out. They’re two totally different shows.
The first one is where everyone in the world has a blackout and are unconscious for 2 minutes and 17 seconds. However, we know that 2 people, and only 2 people, in the whole world were actually awake. So this group that is part of the FBI are tryng to figure what caused the blackouts and why. Also, during the blackouts, everyone had a “flashforward” and saw what they were doing on April 29th which is 6 months in the future. It is v. cool.
The second show is a comedy about glee club in high school. It’s a musical kind-of, but the singing is AMAZING. Forreal forreal. And Jane Lynch is the antagonist and she is hilarious. She’s been in loads of stuff including two and a half men and role models.
Apparently, the new trend for fall is plaid. I’ve always loved plaid, so I’m pretty excited at how easy it has been to find clothes I adore.
I also cut all my hair off. I was needing short hair. It was down to near my belly button and it is now shoulder-blade length. I had actually cut it to my shoulders a couple of weeks ago, but it’s already grown about 5 inches.
Oh, I finally caved and splurged on some North Face jackets for Ishaq and I. We have never had jackets where we’ve actually been really warm. And yesterday was cold. Really cold. I had to use the heater in the car on the way to work. And it’s only the beginning of October. Usually it doesn’t get remotely chilly until way later. Which makes me think it is going to be a cold winter. Hence, the splurging. But I got them at a great deal and saved about 30 dollars on each jacket AND got free shipping which made the savings about $70. HOORAH!
Last, but not least, Rock Band is awesome. I kick butt on the drums. Just so you know.

I think that’s all for now.
I’m sorry that was horribly long. In my defense I hadn’t posted in two weeks.

It was interesting to see the social stigma when it came to the autoimmune disorder. Some people refused to enter the room even though there was no bleeding or anything. We talked. The first day this patient was alone. So alone. Growing hypoxic and making no sense. Rambling.
Wasting away.
As a student, I couldn’t do much. The doctors were consulting with each other in the hallway.

So I sat. And we talked.
We talked about family and faith.

They told me how they were normally introverted but I was easy to talk to.

The next day, a complete 180 degree turn had occurred overnight. Where their skin had been dry and cool and blue the first day, it was now warm and pink. Up and eating breakfast with family that finally decided to come in after days of being in the hospital.

After the care had been given and the paperwork done- we sat. And we talked.

Sometimes, that’s all you can do I’ve come to realize.
Sometimes, that’s all that’s needed.

The spouse, one with a history of abuse, causing a ruckus in the hospital from being difficult to please, thanked me for the care I had given. The spouse went back to the bedside and watched the patient sleeping in a chair before opening a book.

The prognosis isn’t good. I don’t want to work in hospice or palliative care.
But I am so thankful there are people who do.
Some of the nurses on that floor are beyond amazing.

The prognosis won’t change.
Yet, I walked away still feeling like I made some sort of difference. Or I had some kind of effect.
I think that’s what counts.

Standing right over me, was Ishaq.
Ishaq, who I had assumed was in the break room at his own job 15 minutes away, was reaching for my hand- pulling me away from the hummus and the pita.
He told me he could only stay for 2 or 3 minutes but he wanted to see me so that we could make up. I walked him outside with a huge grin on my face.

I adore my husband. He lit up my days and continuously lights up my life.
I’m so lucky.

Relief swept over all of us. I hadn’t realized I had been holding my breath until that moment. She cried tears of joy and relief and laid her head back, running her hands through her hair.

I got her cleaned up and some ice chips and then transferred her to the Ambulatory Care Unit where she would get changed and go home.

That was one of those feel-good moments that keeps pushing me forward to get through the program. It’s a reminder of why I’m going to school to become a nurse. Corny? Maybe. But it’s true nevertheless.

Tain’t cheap and I am sure feeling it.
Let me warn you now that this post is not all butterflies and sunshine. It’s one of those self-reflections and observation kind-of post where I talk myself into some sort of sense.
I digress.

The last couple of months since second semester began has been kind of rough. Ishaq and I got back early from our honeymoon hoping to save money. The wedding was great (and done for under $2000 total).
School started, surprise bills came up.
We’re still trying to pay off Ishaq’s loan from our 4-year college where we left after a semester so that he can start up at my nursing school. They won’t let him in without a transcript though. And we can’t get a transcript until the loan is paid off. We can’t get the loan paid off because the financial aid was supposed to pay it in the first place. They decided not to pay it since Ishaq’s father put false numbers on the application and they got audited and dropped. After it got dropped, through no fault of our own, we got stuck with the semester’s payment. Snowball effect, much?
Anyways, last week, Ishaq’s car got broken into and one of my old debit cards stolen along with his stereo (which didn’t have the face on it mind you, meaning they stole it and can’t use it). We had 9 dollars to get us through the rest of the week. Our bank balance went negative due to an unprocessed check from a month before. We have zero in savings thanks to the wedding and school. This happened 3 days after I decided to take a day off of work each week and switch from 36 hours to 24 hours a week in the hopes that my grades would be better in school. I drove to school with my low fuel light coming on halfway there. I tried to stop at the gas station on my way home and found out my credit card was maxed out. So I drove all the way home in the 90 degree heat while speeding and praying I would not get pulled over and that I would make it home without my car dying. Luckily, Miguel (my red car) got me home safe and sound.
Ishaq was a champ and tore our house apart finding 6 bucks in dollars and 4 in change so that we could both get to work and school the next day.
Luckily we got a paid a couple of days later.

But it’s after weeks like that, that I sit back and wonder if I’m going to make it through the next year and a half. I constantly feel this fear that I’m going to fail academically or financially. If I fail academically, I have to start the whole program over since they started a new curriculum. It wouldn’t be repeating one semester, it would be a year’s tuition down the drain. And we can’t afford to repeat. Plus, Ishaq can’t go to school until I’m done. And he’s been ever-so-patient. If I fail financially, I lose everything. CONUNDRUM.

We have a plan for success. I graduate, he goes to school, I work to put him through, he graduates, works for a year, we move to Boston and then travel nurse. That’s the tentative plan.
I just want so much. I want to be stable. I want to be successful.

And I know we’ll get there. T.O from school always says that failure is not an option.
We WILL get there.

It’s just that the process tain’t cheap.

It’s okay. They said it was tricky and a complete different format than we were used to. And supposedly the class average is a complete disaster the first test of second semester every single year. So that means to do better next time, yeah??

fmylife.

It’ll be okay, right??

Family 1: Likes to call and get updates on latest vitals from anywhere between the last 4-16 hours. Likes to know EXACT times on everything and jot them down in personal book.
ex: “Can I just get the exact time that NG tube came out yesterday on night shift nevermind the fact that its now day shift and you didn’t physically pull it out yourself? Also, can I get the last 6 hours of vital signs” (not exact words, but you get the idea)
To that we say: “No, you can’t” and then kindly let them know they can actually come in themselves and have a look-see. But 20 minutes on the phone reading past vitals is not a good use of time.

Family 2: More concerned about getting breakfast tray than coming in.
Ex: “Here to see patient Y.”
I reply they’re doing a procedure in the room and it’ll be a half hour or so.
“Oh, well did they take my breakfast tray?”
::looks at clock reading 11:30am:: Yep, its gone.
“Well if they bring my lunch tray you can come get me from the waiting room or hallway. Wherever I’m at.” CLICK as she hangs up.
No I cant, that’s not my job. I don’t look eagerly for trays and then call people to the dinner table.
(Sorry if I sound a little bit rude, but come on!!)

Family 3: This happens often. From multiple families. Wanting food passes and parking. Which I get it, its expensive in the hospital. But, have you seen the economy? We don’t have those funds to give out. We try to get you free housing as it is and are usually successful. And they have meals there.
Ex: “I drive [insert mileage] and was wondering about free passes and food cards. Do you have those?”
Politely explain hospital policy, offer to refer them to Social Worker, reiterate if needed, and so on and so forth.
“Yeah, but its not fair that you don’t make accomodations for family and I’m sure there’s something you could do about it if you wanted to”
No, I cant.
Really, I don’t just hoard food tickets and parking passes from family members for kicks. I mean, really.

I also have about 10 different family members coming in for 2 patients (siblings) and refuse to listen to the two-at-a-time policy.

BLAWDsjodadjad.
Some days, the families are just too much.